As a Pastors wife I found myself trying to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be. The more I tried the more epic the fail was. Consequently, I fell into a depression that without God’s divine intervention I would have landed in a mental institution. The criticism, isolation, superficial relationships got so overwhelming I found myself sick in body, soul and spirit. Some where along the journey I had placed a mask on, in an attempt to hide the pain. Unbeknownst to me, this MASK which was intended to protect me became my worse enemy. Grief became my idol and I ceased to allow the Presence of God to direct every aspect of my life. Suddenly, I found myself having mental conversations that sounded like this:
- Why should I pray for those people? They don’t care about me or my family?
- Why should I pray for those people? They don’t care about me or my family?
- Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me, How are you?
- Why doesn’t so and so, pick up the phone and call me?
- I deserve to have (fill in the blank)
- Why can’t I just say what I want like everyone else?
- I am done, why should I sacrifice my time and energy for people who don’t care.
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The MASK led me to bondage! Then without warning a woman I had never seen, nor heard started to surface. The woman whose greatest joy was praying for souls, cooking meals, supporting her husband, loving her church, was gone. Unexpectedly, like Ebenezer Scrooge I was visited by the “ghost of Christmas past” standing in front of the mirror I looked at myself and said, “Lord, who is that?” I was lost, confused, tired and broken. Dreadfully afraid and absolutely desperate I uttered the dangerous prayer, “Lord, you alone can un-Mask the ME in me.”
By God’s grace I started to undergo a divine radical cosmetic surgery. I began to experience Jesus from a holistic perspective. Every area of my life began to be invaded with the Holy Spirit’s resurrecting power. It is what the Bible calls dying to the old self; with Him, through Him and for Him. One thing is certain this is a lifetime journey. Jesus desires for us to be healed, He knows we all have broken relationships and are broken within ourselves. The key to this healing is being filled with the Holy Spirit and seeking to dwell in His Presence.
We God’s creatures have an overwhelming need to be unmasked, the real (ME) is deeply buried in layers of self that can only be resurrected by the hand of the Almighty. I found freedom in the realization that my identity is in God alone and no longer seeking it in a role (pastor wife, professional career,etc). Un-Masked by the Jesus, I find myself willing to chose joy, mercy, peace and above all love for God and love for others.
JEANNETTE